A Place to Stand

Recently, I read a piece by Dr. Rick Hanson. In it, he describes a term “turangawaewae,” a term in Maori that means “a place to stand.” It was clear from the passage that “we all need a place to stand.”  “Turangawaewae,” is an important concept, and has deeper meaning and implications for those of us in mediation and peacemaking.

When approaching a conflict, most of us are looking for our “footing,” trying to find our standing in a situation. Conflict itself can be described as a period of destabilization. We are shaken from what we had planned and now have to reestablish ourselves, finding new ground. Of course, in conflict there is always enough blame to go around. Both sides can blame the other for taking them off the course they had planned, for injuring them and destabilizing them from their “comfortable” position. Those of us trying to help people navigate this terrain, realize that whenever people lose their footholds, they can make changes that may have taken them to a better place than they had been or planned. However, that is seldom the perception of those embroiled in conflict. It is only through careful, reflective listening and communication that the conflicting parties begin to learn there may be something gained by establishing a new position, if the mediator can help them see it.

Is that how we as mediators view conflict between others and in the conflicts we encounter in our own lives? Do we see the potential for common ground that may have benefits we didn’t have in our previous positions? It is our perspective of our own challenges that will impact how we facilitate or diminish the possibility to find the potential embedded in every conflict. When we realize that our own perspective shapes what we envision, we can provide opportunities for finding new ground for others.

Aren’t we, as peacemakers looking to find our footing, a place to stand, that might even be a place of safety, a place of commonality, a “turangawaewae”?  When we realize we all seeking to find a place to come together, we can better help those in conflict on their journey.

Gratitude

Research studies seem to indicate that when people have a spirit of gratitude, they report being happier (Taylor, 2014), healthier (Chida & Steptoe, 2008), and living longer (Carr, 2011). It would make sense that being grateful would be something to which we all aspire. Does every pain we experience have at least some lesson for us? Is our only choice to spiral into perpetual anger and retribution? As mediators, are we grateful for the issues brought forth in mediation and for the opportunities inherent in looking at these conflicts in others and in our own lives?

 Given some of the pains we have all experienced in our lives and especially this past year, this is difficult to even consider.  Still, in looking at past injuries in my life, when I could heal enough to have perspective, there was generally something to be learned from the conflicts.  There was some degree of peace when I was able to release some of the hurt and also recognize what I learned from the pain.  While I didn’t want to forget the pain, it was important not to be controlled by it.  Once I realized there was a lesson in the process, I could learn and become more compassionate for what others experience.

 Mediators at some point may begin seeing each new mediation as “just another conflict” if not, another paying client.  That is reality and for many, an honest appraisal of the nature of work.  However, might the research on gratitude help us to see that we as mediators can also learn about ourselves as well as help others when we see them get enmeshed in conflicts?  As issues and anger have unfolded in mediations, I have gained insight into how I have enfolded my own life in anger or hurt from conflicts.  Even though it was first uncomfortable, I became grateful for helping the parties (and ultimately myself) work through the issues that kept them bound together in a process that served no one.

We learn from each other, whether we are mediators, peacemakers, or humans trying to make sense of this sometimes crazy world. Despite the pain and inevitable conflicts, we can find value in the lessons we have learned.  However, this only happens if we allow for a mindset of gratitude.  

Calling on Our Higher Selves

As future and present mediators, we are always at a critical juncture. We have choices as to how to respond to conflict. We need to decide how to provide a safe, trusting space for people to work together; how to approach the issues being presented; and how to acknowledge the differences that may be apparent or hidden that act as additional obstacles to the parties coming together.  We can focus on how we “get through” this “next” mediation or how we can see the “next” mediation as another opportunity to help people learn from the conflict and about themselves. We are also always balancing any stressors happening in our own lives, despite our desire to be professional and present. In the time of Covid-19 with the additional pressures of a global pandemic intensifying financial, racial, religious, and health issues, the internal and external pressures are intensified. Our work looked different, but the pressures remained.

With the use of virtual environments, mediators globally have moved sessions online.  The new platform provides video and audio interaction to allow all participants an opportunity to connect, even when it is not possible in person. Numerous workshops and programs have been developed to help people become adept at using these technologies and many mediators quickly moved online. Clients have also had no choice but to adjust.

 As mediations have continued, they required we slow down the process of “getting through the next mediation” and begin thinking more intentionally about the work we are doing.  Kahneman (2011) calls the more intentional “slow thinking” a cognitive process that is more rational, deliberate, and effective.  Kahneman believed we are more vulnerable to mistakes when we move quickly and overconfidently. Mediation during the time of Covid became a more intentional process.

Along with being more deliberate, our thoughts benefit from being more compassionate. Numerous authors in business, healthcare, leadership, and economics, have indicated that compassion is critical during this time.  We know from Bloom’s (2016) work that empathy itself can cause us to lose perspective because we become enmeshed with the problems.  Norton, Johnson, & Woods (2016) indicate that lawyers are uniquely vulnerable to fatigue due to compassion. The competitive nature of law, self-reliance, lack of self-awareness, isolation, and acceptance of the adversarial environment all were seen as contributing factors to increased stress-related illness and burnout among attorneys. Taking on the clients’ pain only adds to the pressure. Given that most mediators are also lawyers, stress becomes a factor in many mediations. A reflective process that would help individuals see the need for a different model has not been the norm for most law firms, court systems, or mediations.

Bloom (2016) suggests that if we show “radical compassion” instead of “empathy,” we can become sensitive, respective, and more helpful. Rather than producing burnout, radical compassion causes individuals to feel more energized, engaged, and willing to help more. Just as a physician can move from patient to patient, a mediator may avoid burnout and continue to attend to issues when dealing with multiple conflicting situations by using compassion, not empathy. Bloom (2016) continued that compassion enabled individuals to see the suffering, show concern, exhibit kindness, and help. The helping process became rewarding instead of being draining. Jackson (2020) echoes this thought, that compassion might emerge as a most important element in how we approach ourselves and our work, especially during the pandemic. It holds promise for lawyers, who are predisposed to stress and often taking on the issues of clients.

 From neuroscience, Singer and Klimecki (2016) validated how stressful situations had different effects on us depending on how we approached the conflicts. Empathy was stressful in and of itself. It was associated with “self-related emotion, stress, poor health, burnout, withdrawal, and non-social behavior” (p. 875). Compassion did not produce the same outcome. Compassionate responses created “other-related emotion, positive feelings (e.g., love), good health, approach, and prosocial motivation” (Singer & Klimecki, 2016, p. 875). They summarized that the research had implications for individuals helping other people in stressful situations. It clearly had ramifications for those in mediation and law.

Lawyers have not been at the forefront of discussing how to integrate compassion into practice.  During the covid-19 crisis, this has not changed.  However, we know from Detrani (2020), that “there is a sense of interconnectedness that brings comfort to those of us who tend to overthink things (read: every lawyer ever). An acknowledgment that we are in this together –- whatever “this” turns out to be when it’s all said and done.” The demanding environment combined with individuals prone to stress makes compassion a necessity. The mediation setting is an excellent place for the less adversarial environment to happen. Helping the mediator to relinquish responsibility for the outcome, emotional ownership for the pain that has happened, the onus to find a quick remedy may provide a less stressful and more successful process.  Especially during times of crisis and stress, it is important to respect, to listen, and to focus on what can be done together. It provides an environment that helps everyone. 

We know that especially for mediators, a compassionate approach has value.  Compassion has always been an important cornerstone for helping people change. The intersection between caring and understanding brought together the elements that also had the most influence on positive therapy outcomes (Bayne & Hays, 2017).  Compassion also has a positive impact on conflict resolution. In a study of the impact compassion has on conflict, Klimecki (2019) cites “growing evidence that empathy and compassion are associated with more prosocial behavior in interpersonal relations. Furthermore, empathy and compassion have been associated with more favorable attitudes and higher readiness for reconciliation across a range of intergroup settings.”  While mediators may not always see compassion as a powerful approach when entering into a conflicted situation, it is effective. 

 Compassion towards self also needs to be included. In a study by Yarnell and Neff (2011), they looked at how individuals balance their personal needs with the needs of other people when in conflict. “Across contexts, higher levels of self-compassion were related to a greater likelihood to compromise and lesser likelihood to self-subordinate needs, as well as greater authenticity, lower levels of emotional turmoil, and higher levels of relational well-being” (p. 146).  The application of self-compassion has legitimacy and value, especially for mediators. Knowing that all conflict is layered and intensified, taking time to respect and honor the struggle in each other and ourselves is important.

Christian (2017) described “compassionate curiosity” to explain approaching conflict with respect and staying present with the conflict. It was an active approach to taking compassionate understanding into mediation. Compassion was not a static experience, but one that facilitated movement in mediation. At the heart of the process, what made a difference, was the mediator having an approach that respectfully embodied a caring attitude. Rosler, Cohen-Chen, and Halperin (2017) showed how compassion was important during the beginning of the conflict. Helping individuals show compassion was critical in the important phase of conflict when it is easy for the process to escalate. Their research studies also pointed out that hope was important as the conflict “deescalated” and the process became more conciliatory. The value of respecting, understanding, and honoring the discomfort and anger people were experiencing and understanding how it was part of a process culminating in peaceful resolution of differences was anchored in psychological research. It has also been shown to be beneficial in mediation.

We gained an integrated perspective of the importance of systemic compassion from Rothbart & Allen (2019) in their study looking to promote peace. Their review showed how inducing compassion through mediation training, individuals in conflict felt more connected and had deeper positive feelings toward the other person or group. Drawing from brain research, they validated that the positive changes in perception were evident at the neurological level. A compassionate approach to resolving conflicts impacts not only the resolution of the issues but creates a more positive, respectful environment.  In the time of Covid-19, a compassionate approach may help conflicted parties not only find a resolution to their concerns but become more understanding of other people.

Integrating compassion into our lives and our work takes effort. In an environment that is competitive, ego-driven, and layered with complex contextual pressures, it is even more challenging. Despite compassion having many intrinsic and extrinsic benefits, it takes time to master. “As with many habits that are useful, developing compassion takes consciousness, effort, and practice. We each have an innate capacity for compassion but must develop it like any other skill” (Noll, 2005). It is important to remember that it is a process.  Becoming compassionate may be intertwined with emotions that we feel about our own abilities and worth, just as we learn to honor the value of others.

Approaching mediations with compassion means we need to be open to seeing clients, others, and ourselves with more consideration.  It means we need to focus on the courage our clients have shown in taking their issues to a third-party mediator, the vulnerability involved in a conflict, the stress we are all experiencing during the pandemic and economic challenges. It means as mediators, we do not need to make their pain our own when we want to be helpful. We need to listen beyond the words. It means we all remember that underneath the anger is hurt and embarrassment.  The vulnerability seldom shows itself in mediation, but it is always there.  If we want to be more effective, we need to become more open to listening beyond the harsh words and seek to show compassion and understanding of the broader interests as well as the common humanity uniting them…and all of us.

For mediators who are lawyers, the message is even more pressing. During a global pandemic that has unsettled every area of our lives and threatens our existence, we must be more aware of the important lessons compassion offers us. As Detrani (2020) indicates, “the silver lining might just be that the legal world is a little bit kinder, a shade less cut-throat, a better place to find your way not just as a professional but also a person — a team in which we all root for each other.” We all have much to gain by moving away from looking at “wins” and “losses” and the commonly practiced expedient approach in focusing on quickly resolving the “next” conflicted situation. 

 We are at another juncture. As mediators, we need to move beyond taking on the pain of those in conflict and allowing our schedules to push us into automatic responses to resolutions. We need to remember we are peacemakers.  We need to see the potential inherent in realizing each conflict is an opportunity to help people see hope even when feeling hopeless, to see that the “other” persons in the conflict are more like them than different.  We can be more compassionate and gentler with ourselves. We can begin realizing that we can take any conflict and see it as a way to be more intentional, to listen better and deeper, to heal relationships, and to bring people together. To be the most effective during this time, we can use this opportunity to call on our higher selves and help make peace.  

Bayne, H., & Hays, D. (2017). Examining conditions for empathy in counseling: An exploratory model. Journal of Humanistic Counseling, 56, 32–52.

Bloom, P. (2016). Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion. New York, New York:  Harper Collins.

Christian, K. (2017). Finding confidence in conflict [Video file]. Retrieved from https:// americannegotiationinstitute.com/about/

Detrani, J. (April 2, 2020). Practicing Law-And Compassion-In a COVID-19 World. Above the Law. Retrieved from: https://abovethelaw.com/2020/04/practicing-law-and-compassion-in-a-covid-19-world/ .

Jackson, J. (May 20, 2020). Compassion in the Time of COVID-19. Forbes.

Kahneman, Daniel. (2011) Thinking, fast and slow. New York, New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux,

Noll, D. (2005). Compassion. Mediate.com. Retrieved from: https://www.mediate.com/articles/noll17.cfm

Norton, L., Johnson, J., Woods, G.. UMKC Law Review , (2016), 84 (4), p. 977-1002. Kansas City, Missouri: University of Missouri-Kansas City, School of Law.

Rosler, N., Cohen-Chen, S., & Halperin, E. (2017). The distinctive effects of empathy and hope in intractable conflicts. Journal of Conflict Resolution, 61(1), 114–139.

Rothbart, D. & Allen, S. H. (2019). Building peace through systemic compassion. Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 1–14.

Singer, T., & Klimecki, O. M. (2014). Empathy and compassion. Current Biology, 24, 875–878.

Taylor, S. T. (June 2020) Of Counsel, 39 (6), p. 24-23.

Yarnell, L. & Neff, K. (2013) Self-compassion, Interpersonal Conflict Resolutions, and Well-being, Self and Identity, 12 (2), p. 146-59.

Learned Helplessness

In mediations and in life, if we are faced with continued, uncontrollable stress and trauma, we begin feeling helpless. If we are in that situation for an extended time, these feelings can lead to depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress.  People begin to think there is no hope that things will get better.

In mediation, we see parties to the conflict who may feel like mediation won’t end the pain and suffering. The reason mediators need to have a strong opening statement is just to address and hopefully begin to allay those fears.  However, the length of time that people have been in stress may cause these feelings of hopelessness to impact the reticence of parties to believe mediation might help.

When everyone is experiencing trauma, as is happening in the world today, it is important to acknowledge that we are all experiencing a sense of helplessness.  We don’t know when the pandemic will end. We don’t know when the financial crisis that impacts the entire world will abate. Likewise, the issues surrounding race, diversity, and equity that are simmering if not exploding all over the globe, are equally distressing.  If this weren’t enough, climate change, political instability, and grief beset us. We long for a safer world.

As peacemakers, we know that we need to help people realize they are in control, if only of their reactions and emotions. There is hope because we have come through crises before and emerged more resilient. If we can help those in conflict, and probably ourselves, develop self-compassion and empathy toward others going through much the same turmoil, we will not only resolve conflicts but will survive the traumas we are all experiencing.

Once these events are in the past, then the true healing will be needed. Peacemakers will be vital as we come together to make a better world.

Lessons

When we write this post, we realize that there are friends and followers who are wondering how to navigate the coronavirus, how to handle the financial burdens that have come from the aftermath of business closures, and how to deal with the continuing issues of race and injustices of all forms that have plagued states, countries, and the world for many years. This situation impacts all of us as mediators. Although most mediation has migrated online, these present societal and personal issues layer onto the myriad of conflicts that have been simmering.

We cannot ignore the current context if we are fully present. It is like ignoring racial, religious, gender, sexual orientation, politics, nationality, or other differences when they are staring at us across the table. I saw someone verbally attacked at a conference by a mediator who claimed he would never bring in a co-mediator just to ensure that both the parties felt heard and represented. He said that he could understand everyone’s issues. It is easy to struggle to understand another’s perspective. It can and will happen to each of us.

At times like these, we need to listen even deeper, respect differences, and let go of any belief that anyone of us has all the answers for everyone. We need to know that the legal or other battles that have brought people or groups into mediation are also layered with other stressors. Rather than assuming what those issues might be, it is important to ask and then listen. “How are you handling all that is going on right now?” is a good place to start. Diverse perspectives can add layers to a mediation that make it more difficult to address. Honoring the viewpoints of each side is the only way to bring people together, especially during stressful times.

The power of compassion, understanding, respect, and humility serve successful mediators well. What is important to realize is that all of us have additional challenges upon us, now more than ever. We too need to find ways, outside of the mediation space, to address our own issues so that they do not become part of the problem. In my life, I’ve noticed that when working through my own pain, I become more sensitive to how it might be for other people. Even painful losses have helped me to become more aware of what loss and hurt might be like for other people. While we don’t ever know what others experience, we can be more sensitive to respecting the struggle of our common journey.

While none of us want the stressors that are upon us at this time, we can learn from what we are experiencing, if we are only open to the lessons.

Diversity

Diversity has been and is at the forefront of our consciousness, our lives, and our work. We continue to learn every day. Living in a time when issues around diversity are finally being heard is encouraging. Still, it is painful that discrimination has not been discussed at this level of urgency for over fifty years. We can now see how deeply these issues have been suppressed, how fearful people still are around diversity, and how that fear has grown into hatred. Even though race is not an issue for individuals in every corner of the world because racial differences do not exist, issues of sexuality, gender, age, religion, and a host of other areas that can divide us are present. We all have something to learn from diversity. It is a journey that takes us into looking at ourselves, our families, our culture, and our faith.

As mediators, we need to know our issues if we ever hope to bring peace between parties. Ignorance of our issues is not an excuse. If we are to be peacemakers, we need to know ourselves and the baggage we bring if we ever hope to be effective.

If you are on the journey to learn, consider some of the linked resources provided at the end of this blog. There is no shame in saying we need to learn, only in saying we know everything.  

One Race

White Racial Identity Development

Teaching Tolerance an anti-bias framework

Religious Tolerance

Gender, Equity, and Human Rights

Age discrimination, Equality, and Human Rights

"Shenpa"

This past weekend, I heard a religious service focused on “Shenpa.” “Shenpa” is the urge, the hook, the emotional stressor that triggers our tendency to close down or get upset. Other authors describe how it is the unwillingness we have to let go of thoughts that cause suffering. It wasn’t a term I recognized, but unfortunately, I have known “Shenpa,” and can usually recognize it in others during mediations.

 All of us have “hot buttons,” issues that when other people land on them, it can send us into a tailspin. Sometimes it is just mentioning the name of a particular person who we perceive has injured us. Other times, it is something that pulls up an old wound. It might even be self-generated. We begin thinking about an event and think we were mistreated or disrespected. Our mind takes off. Sometime it is hours later after the emotional contagion has passed, we wonder how we let ourselves get derailed.

 It happens in mediation all of the time. When issues surround an emotional, relational, and/or financial loss, people can get so wrapped up in painful thoughts, they have difficulty staying present in a session, no less help negotiate a settlement.  The mediator often has difficulty keeping people fully present. Both sides get caught up in their own pain around the conflict.  It takes a skilled mediator to help individuals identify the triggers so they can come together and resolve differences. It requires even more patience to help them rebuild the relationship.

 However, the world we live in today is full of such traps and triggers. We swim in a sea of “Shenpa.” Maslow’s hierarchy reflected that after having met the physiological needs of food, water, warmth, and rest, we needed to feel safe and secure. Without being safe, people could not move on to meet the needs of belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization. However, today not everyone has the physiological necessities and the elusive threat by COVID-19 leaves most of us unsure about our safety. Without the most basic needs being met, we are easily caught up in an array of thoughts that can mire us in suffering.

Mindfulness can help us through this morass. By focusing on our breath, we can settle ourselves enough to detangle from the thoughts that bind us. By settling our minds to focus on the next small steps we can take, we can avoid the tsunami of fears that can trap us. Just as a good mediator helps those in conflict to refocus their attention on the here and now, we can take our minds to the quiet that allows us to realize we are more than this situation. We have the tools we need to help ourselves and others, not just now, but in the days ahead.

We are each more than this virus-defined culture. We can allow our minds to accept “Shenpa’s” compelling invitation to panic, but we have other choices. Even when we take that “hook,” we can retreat, re-collect our thoughts, and move forward.

Humans are an amazing species. We have the capacities to learn, to grow, and to be compassionate. We will find our way through this time and when we do, we can be more mindful and maybe even less prone to conflict. We will need to seize the opportunity to address the attachment we can have to disturbing thoughts. We will need to make peace with the “Shenpas” in our lives.

The Center of the Storm

Over the past several weeks, many individuals have been encouraged if not ordered to “shelter in place.” Not unlike when in the path of a hurricane or tornado, people are asked to keep still while the storm passes. Dissimilarly, this warning has lasted for weeks and portends to continue for months. How can we bring our work, our families, our lives to a stop, and then expect to step back into the world as it was? We can’t. Businesses have already closed. Schools have moved to online courses. Hospitals are being filled with people oftentimes waiting for care. Countries have shut borders and restricted travel. While life hasn’t stopped, it has taken a long, uninvited pause.

 In that silence, we are riding out the storm. We don’t know when something we bring in from a walk or from delivered groceries might infect us. We too could become ill if not casualties of this crisis. Until then, we consider our mortality and the lives of those we treasure. We fill our days with computer work if we are lucky and with worrying about finances, food, and how to manage the future if we are not. No map exists for this storm. We have no precedent for what is happening. We move from day to day, week to week, and now into a new month, hoping there is a sustainable, meaningful, connected life available to us when we emerge.

 Finding our way while physically separated is a lonely journey. We look to platforms that allow us to see each other, but when the program ends, so does our physical connection. We are comforted to know millions of us are on this same path. Reaching out to hear the stories of people also feeling isolated can provide momentary comfort. As mediators, we seek to resolve our inner conflicts in order to tackle the outer ones. We make peace with our past, our failures and successes, our loves and losses. We provide help when we see conflicts brewing. We remember the skills we have can help others and ourselves find the peace we desire.

 In the end, we still hear silence in the streets, quiet from once-bustling businesses, many people showing strains from finances, and a rumbling that more loss will come. We know as mediators that mindfulness can help at such times. We trust that this heightened awareness can keep us centered for a new life and the ensuing, inevitable conflicts that will be upon us after the storm passes.

The Role of a Peacemaker in Difficult Times

Fortunately, for most of us, our conflicts are challenging, but manageable. When the world is in crisis mode, difficulties and differences can become magnified. We find people fighting over items that sometimes have nothing to do with controlling the virus. Small things matter. Fear becomes the norm.  Perspectives fade and biases replace reasoned understanding. Kindness exists in smaller doses than is needed.

 Peacemakers are critical during these times. The abilities to listen, show understanding, connect (albeit at the required social distance), and show compassion are critical. As I read the news today, it was clear some people want culture and ideology to continue to divide us. I have seen social media posts that demonize each side of the political spectrum. While the news is distorted, it provides something people can gather around and detest that is not the virus. It is easier to hate a person, a party, or a race of people than a microbe.

As peacemakers, we know better. Especially at times like these, we need each other. We need to embrace our similarities, not focus on how we are different. When I speak with friends all over the globe, we are experiencing the same thing. We are all frightened, looking for leadership to get us through this crisis, and hoping for an end to this insanity. We want our lives back.  We do not want this “new normal” to become normal. We feel better just talking with friends and those we hold dear. Only then, do we realize we are not alone.

 Keeping our perspective is important. Finding a “reframe” for this time when we may be bound by home or other restrictions, can help. I have read how some people are choosing to find this a time for a needed respite, others see it as a time for contemplation and spiritual reflection, and others are focused on treasuring time with family. Whatever your focus, as a peacemaker you can work to support connection, healing, and understanding. We are in this challenge together. Understanding our commonality of experience, unity of purpose, and commitment to a more peaceful future will be the keys to coming through it. We must help people remember that we have each other.

The Heart of a Mediator

The Heart of a Mediator

Mary Lou Bryant Frank, Ph.D.

February 25, 2020

Holding the promise of peace

In a sea of anger, fear, and confusion,

I walk into the room.

Each time,

it is always new.

The opportunity lies in listening

And always, I learn.

When those trapped in the conflict let go,

Sometimes they forgive.

Other times, they recognize the common humanity

That lies in “the other” person.

Still, they may not be ready to disconnect from the dance,

Their egos, too fragile to admit fallibility.

Whenever we leave the table, I am humbled

That they would trust me with their pain.

Whatever the outcome

I hope they felt heard and know

They could understand each other’s side and

Find a way out, if they take a risk on peace,

As I hope to do, each day.

©All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or copied in any form or by any means or translated without the prior written consent of the author.

There is a field...

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” These lines by Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi, a Persian poet and Sufi master from the 13th Century capture the essence of mediation and the role of the mediator.

However, if some of your experiences with mediation parallel some of ours, you will have parties in a mediation who claim their position is based on “principle”.  They will express that position with expressions such as “It’s the principle of the thing” or that the other participant’s position “Is just not right”. Such issues in mediation tap into values disputes and encouraging parties to acknowledge deeply held attitudes or values is one of the most challenging features of mediation. If you can get them to acknowledge their own deeply held values and then have them acknowledge that the other party in the dispute may also have deeply held values, you will have overcome a substantial hurdle in the mediation process. In transformative mediation, acknowledgement is certainly a large part of the first goal of transformative mediation which is recognition.

However, it is not enough to just gain acknowledgement of these deeply held values, it is essential to try to move beyond acknowledgement to reach that field described by Rumi where understanding may result. Hopefully, acknowledgement will lead the parties to recognize that the position held by the other participant in the dispute is just as valid to that party as your own position is to you. If you can show each participant that the other has just as valid of a claim of “rightness” of their positions, you can move the focus to what this issue will look like in the future. You may need to have the parties project what this dispute (without an agreement) will look like in six months, a year or even five years. If you can move the participants beyond the rightness or wrongness of their current positions to a point in the future which allows them to work together, the door to reconciliation and understanding is open. In the field of understanding, beyond our individual positions, we can meet and come together.

Patient, Positive, Persistent, and Professional

One of the joys of working with the International Academy of Dispute Resolution (INADR) is attending mediation tournaments sponsored by that group. In the ballot forms we use to evaluate the efforts of the participants there is some great language that helps us in that task.  My favorite criteria includes this prompt: “Did the mediators remain patient, positive, persistent, and professional at all times?” That alliterative phrase truly captures the attitude with which mediators should be working. Patient and positive are rather well understood, but persistence in mediation is not as obvious. How does a mediator act with persistence?

Mediators are persistent when they continue despite difficult or oppositional behavior by the parties in the conflict. The question is when does persistence cross the line to become too directive? Current research indicates that when mediators are too directive, such behavior is seen as a negative trait according to participants in mediations who were surveyed about mediator traits. A mediator who is too directive may actually be edging into evaluative mediation, not a preferred style of mediation according to recent research on mediator behavior. Participants in mediation were surveyed and most of them preferred a transformative approach by the mediators at the table. Whatever your style, a certain amount of persistence is needed to be successful. When mediating, you cannot just terminate the mediation when you encounter oppositional behavior or inflammatory statements by one or more of the parties at the table. If the parties had been able to successfully communicate with each other in the past, they would not need your services as a mediator.

Perhaps the other words in the alliterative phrase provide the balance needed for mediators to know where the boundaries are on persistence. A patient mediator is not directive and may use many tools, such as silence, to allow the parties in dispute to have the space to voice their concerns and come up with ideas to settle the disagreement and promote healing. A positive mediator remains positive about the healing potential of mediation and does not become directive or give up too easily when the parties are at the table. A mediator can be positive about the potential of mediation, but not get caught up in a personal need to settle the case. And of course, the final “p,” professionalism, captures the spirit that should temper any desire to either give up too easily or be too directive. Professionalism also allows us to handle difficult or unexpected situations with compassion because we know the value of the mediation process for the parties. As you continue to do the work that is needed as a mediator, use persistence, but also use the accompanying traits of patience, positivity and professionalism to be your guides.

Tribes, Astronauts, and Being "Right"

As printed in “The Peacemaker Quarterly,” October, 2019

Conflict has been studied and researched by numerous disciplines and we still find ourselves
getting caught up in its drama in our lives and in our world. A recent report by Shapiro, White, and Shakleton (2019) out of Harvard described how the tribal mentality explained many of the ways we get embroiled in conflict. Individual and group interests, fears, threats, egos, and pressures can usher us down the road to conflict. This study differentiates the “tribal” mentality from a perspective that allows us to move beyond and develop a broader vision of ourselves in context. While tribes view themselves as different from others, astronauts had a unique perspective of how, when they left earth’s atmosphere, they saw how we all shared a common world, having the same, basic experiences. Astronauts were able to focus on the broader perspective and commonality of being human. Shifting a point of view can help people move from feeling they need to be “right” to recognizing that others have rights and viewpoints that may be just as valid.

When we raised our two daughters, we quickly became aware of how conflict was a natural part of the process of growing and developing. When our children would come home from school and relate how “wrong” some other child was being and how “they were right,” we listened with full attention. We knew the trap of “rightness” as it is steeped in the “tribal” viewpoint of “us” and “them.” We always asked our daughters to talk about what the other child might be thinking and saying to their parents. We then posed the question that seems to be attributed to more authors than I could possibly site in this newsletter, “Is it better to be right or to be kind?” Somehow, that always stumped them. They knew the follow-up comment would be, “You may be ‘dead right,’ but what have you gained? Have you lost a friend?”

Many mediators know the value of helping people find another viewpoint in conflicted situations and are skillful in helping them through this abyss. In INADR we value “peaceful resolution of conflict, conciliation and healing.” Still, we all can benefit from remembering that there is value to our communities in helping people step back and get an overview of the situation, to help them see commonalities not just differences, and to know the often underrated value of kindness, over needing to be “right.” Shapiro, D.L, White, F., & Shakleton, (2019, August 1). Overcoming the tribes effect: The overview effect as a means to promote conflict resolution. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology.

Truth

When we were young, we were taught to be honest. We learned that telling a lie was a big mistake, worthy of some punishment. Like most of you, at some point, in an effort to preserve my dignity or escape being scolded, I am certain I was punished. I can’t recall the infraction, but I know it happened because I was often reminded “You remember what happens when you lie.” Although I didn’t really remember, I knew it was not good and since then, I work to be honest.  Even when giving feedback, I work to provide any negative comments gently, but truthfully.  It is said that if we continue to lie, it gets easier and we feel less and less discomfort. 

In mediation, I have found some individuals have only a casual relationship with the truth. Lying comes as easy as truthfulness. Mediating with such people, requires first helping them develop empathy for the other person, while they also learn to recognize how easy it is to move to protect our egos when threatened by not being truthful. It takes skill and self-understanding to guide a person back through the self-protective path that involves lying. Shaming, blaming, and name-calling are not effective in this healing process, but they are often the approaches of choice to confront a person who consistently lies.

If we are all to get back to living honestly with each other, compassion is the key. It is true in mediation, in relationships, and in how we see ourselves.

Judgment

One of the most difficult tasks facing someone resolving disputes is to withhold judgment. We exercise judgment every day about many things in our environment—will I need a coat outside? or what do I want to eat? And we approach most situations with a ready response based on our own experiences. For example, I do need a coat today, because it is cloudy and there is no sun. Or, I want toast for breakfast because I have toast every day for breakfast. For most of those daily judgments, there is little thought or reflection. Our frenzied lives do not permit much time for such issues or we will be late for work or some other deadline. Further, as Daniel Kahneman notes in his best-selling book, Thinking Fast and Slow, such judgments become fast and automatic through prolonged practice.

When we as mediators or other dispute resolvers are meeting the people who are involved in the dispute, we need to be aware of our tendency to make snap judgments about the people around the table. When we hear a comment that triggers a judgment response from within ourselves during mediation discussions, we need to be aware that it is our fast thinking based on our experiences directing that response. All of us, at one time or another, have been wrong about that judgment made in the moment. For example, we think, “Of course I can jump across that puddle,” or, “Sure, I can  park my car in this narrow spot.” It is in these humbling moments, that we realize we can be mistaken in our “fast” thinking. Making such judgments as a mediator impair the mediation process because suddenly your own experience is being substituted for the actual experience happening in the conversation. Thoughts such as “those kinds of people always…” or “they never…” alter the perception of the process that is actually present in the discussion. Further, while we are in the process of imposing our values on the situation, we will miss what is actually transpiring in the room.

Withholding judgment and actually listening without judgment is the key to overcoming our all too human tendencies to categorize and impose our own experiences and values on a situation. The need to deeply listen and understand needs to overcome the need to judge. What we miss while imposing judgment may be the most critical information that we need to really understand the conflict. Automatic judgments are the opposite of actually listening and being present. Almost all of the people in dispute have already felt judged by the other side of the dispute, and the last thing they need is to be judged by the mediator. What they need is to be heard and understood. Reflective practitioners will recognize when their internal dialog moves to judgment, that they are no longer exercising the impartiality and presence necessary to be effective.

Being Genuine

There is something so compelling in seeing a genuine piece of art, hearing artists play their own music, being a part of a community, visiting an historic location, or watching a sunset – in real time!  We also feel that same sense of appreciation when we know someone is being honest with us. When an individual cares enough to be vulnerable and open, we know it is a relationship of value. That kind of honesty captures us and brings us closer.  We appreciate being respected.

 The corollary is also true. Most of us don’t feel good when we know we are being manipulated. It destroys our trust, our faith in the other person. We can generally tell when people are being honest with us. What is most unsettling, is when we don’t know if someone is being honest or not.  When we have encountered deception, we can become jaded and find it more difficult to trust.

 In law, therapy, and mediation sometimes people think manipulation can get people to do what they want. I have known attorneys who felt certain strategies could “trick” the jury, the judge, or even their clients. Likewise, there have been therapists who have felt giving clients homework to do one thing, when they knew they would do something else was clever. Recently, I heard mediators talk about how mimicking the listening skills could make people believe the mediator really cared about them (even when they didn’t) and it facilitated a quicker agreement. In all cases, something core to the integrity of the helping relationship is lost when we are not being genuine. It erodes each of the professions, but more importantly, it erodes trust in who we are and in what we do. Trust, once lost, cannot easily be regained.

Cages

We can feel “caged in” because of limitations the world has set on us and other times, because of limitations we set on ourselves. When we as peacemakers encounter people feeling they are “caged,” it is important first to acknowledge and honor the pain of being restricted and feeling unable to escape. Recognizing the discomfort of the “cage” precedes understanding how the cage came to be. Only once the pain is acknowledged and an offer of help is extended, can a discussion occur that helps to bring understanding to how a person might transform or escape.

Conflicted relationships can make us feel like escape is the only option. Setting unrealistic expectations on our own abilities, is equally unsettling, onerous, and restrictive. Sometimes people don’t even realize they are feeling confined until they realize there is an alternative.  Effective peacemakers can see the limitations and know how to help people remove them. Any “cage” is real to the person who is restrained.

 Sometimes as peacemakers, we need to recognize how we limit ourselves by belief systems, biases, and cultural ideas. If we are to be effective, we need to learn to remove ourselves from our own “cage” first.

Thoughtfulness

Just as this frog seems to contemplate the environment and her place in it, we as persons attempting to resolve conflict need to be thoughtful with our work. Ideas for solutions to conflict take time to form, be understood and be absorbed. The people in the room with us need the time to contemplate the impact the peacemaking process will have upon them individually and in their relationships with others. In our frenetic society, the urge is to forge ahead and not allow for the time for everyone in the room to adequately think about the process or the potential outcomes. If we as peacemakers do not model the need to take the time to adequately contemplate the process and its outcomes, the others in the room will fail to do so as well. The noted anthropologist Margaret Mead once observed, “A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

As peacemakers, we are endeavoring to create change, if only in the corner of the world which appears in the room with us when we are doing our work. Giving the parties the time and responding to them with thoughtfulness is really a basic requirement for us to do work which can change the world for them.  Thoughtfulness incorporates mindfulness, and mindfulness is an essential trait for the mediator to be successful in bringing peace into the room.

They/Them

We have all heard it said, “That is what ‘they’ think.” Or maybe we hear, “We don’t believe what ‘they’ believe.” Sometimes it comes across as, “Don’t ever let yourself get close to one of ‘them.’” I’ve heard it just this week and read it on Facebook…from friends who are trying to ‘protect us’ from ‘they/them.’ It stops me cold every time I hear it. What happened to 'us’ in this distorted process?

In communities that sometimes appear increasingly divided, it is easy to begin forgetting our commonality. Politicians and some groups from all sides benefit from our divisions. Still, every time I meet someone and share stories, I am always impressed with our common humanity. Whether we are connecting with people internationally or in diverse communities where we live, we have more in common than what separates us. We all want the best for our families and friends. We love our children. We want to be able to lead productive lives, have a safe place to live, know there is food for our families, and love who we wish. These are simple, common desires with universal meaning and value.

When we focus on differences that divide us, don’t we know better? We were all taught differently growing up. I was and know you were too. There is no religion on earth that teaches hate and if it does, we need to find a new place to worship. Schools teach us to listen, learn, and be kind. Parents echoed those same messages. Our background is filled with messages of relationship, respect, and forgiveness. We may forget at times, but we can also remember.

As mediators, we work to help find peaceful solutions that enable people to move past conflict. Developing peaceful communities that are founded on respect is part of that process. 

We enter a new year.  I am hopeful to see fewer people referred to as ‘them’ and experience more listening, respecting, and maybe even appreciating the minute differences that characterize all of us in the one human race. I want it to be reflected in my life as well. That is where it has to begin for each of us.

It is a common prayer for peace and love.

Connections

Probably one of the professional activities we enjoy most is providing mediation training and helping to host mediation tournaments through INADR. Having the opportunity to see young leaders learn more about mediation and then practice these skills in a tournament setting is humbling and energizing.

What we have learned over the years is that is only one part of what we enjoy. Equally rewarding is seeing individuals from different countries, cultures, religions, and backgrounds work together, learn together, spend time together late at night, and develop life-long friendships. Our recent trip to Kiev, Ukraine validated that experience. We worked with university students from seven countries: India, Singapore, Ukraine, Poland, Lithuania, Turkey, and the United States. The artificial boundaries that could have separated these individuals vanished in only a few days. At the end, the students developed connections that continue to flourish across social media.

In the journey to becoming a peacemaker, certainly the communication and mediation skills, the ability to see ourselves in context, and the ability to self-reflect are important, However, without the ability to be open to connecting with others, especially those who come from different worldviews, we are limited. We may get through the process of mediating differences, but we will never be skilled peacemakers.

To the students in Kiev and the amazing organizers of Mediate 18, congratulations! We were humbled to be a part of connecting and learning together.