As printed in “The Peacemaker Quarterly,” October, 2019
Conflict has been studied and researched by numerous disciplines and we still find ourselves
getting caught up in its drama in our lives and in our world. A recent report by Shapiro, White, and Shakleton (2019) out of Harvard described how the tribal mentality explained many of the ways we get embroiled in conflict. Individual and group interests, fears, threats, egos, and pressures can usher us down the road to conflict. This study differentiates the “tribal” mentality from a perspective that allows us to move beyond and develop a broader vision of ourselves in context. While tribes view themselves as different from others, astronauts had a unique perspective of how, when they left earth’s atmosphere, they saw how we all shared a common world, having the same, basic experiences. Astronauts were able to focus on the broader perspective and commonality of being human. Shifting a point of view can help people move from feeling they need to be “right” to recognizing that others have rights and viewpoints that may be just as valid.
When we raised our two daughters, we quickly became aware of how conflict was a natural part of the process of growing and developing. When our children would come home from school and relate how “wrong” some other child was being and how “they were right,” we listened with full attention. We knew the trap of “rightness” as it is steeped in the “tribal” viewpoint of “us” and “them.” We always asked our daughters to talk about what the other child might be thinking and saying to their parents. We then posed the question that seems to be attributed to more authors than I could possibly site in this newsletter, “Is it better to be right or to be kind?” Somehow, that always stumped them. They knew the follow-up comment would be, “You may be ‘dead right,’ but what have you gained? Have you lost a friend?”
Many mediators know the value of helping people find another viewpoint in conflicted situations and are skillful in helping them through this abyss. In INADR we value “peaceful resolution of conflict, conciliation and healing.” Still, we all can benefit from remembering that there is value to our communities in helping people step back and get an overview of the situation, to help them see commonalities not just differences, and to know the often underrated value of kindness, over needing to be “right.” Shapiro, D.L, White, F., & Shakleton, (2019, August 1). Overcoming the tribes effect: The overview effect as a means to promote conflict resolution. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology.
