Finding a Path

This summer we visited Colorado where we were born and a place we call home. The time away provided a welcome breather from the barrage of news. Hiking in the mountains, spending time together, put life in a different perspective.

In an increasingly complex world, we get confused. Why is there so much turmoil? Is there room for everyone? How can we all coexist peacefully when people believe such divergent things? What causes people to hate?

Some think that learning to tolerate each other holds promise. Tolerance is a low bar, but maybe it is a place to start. We all have different perspectives based on our families, our communities, our experiences, and our cultures. One is not better than the other, just different. That is what many people learned growing up. When we read the news, it is clear that was something some of us forgot along the way.

Still, we can remember. We can begin with one person and be kinder, more accepting, and at the very least be tolerant. It may mean we don’t try to get people to believe the same as we do. It may mean we have to set aside stereotypes. It may mean we have to just accept everyone as other humans on this planet. It is a start.

Martin Luther King said, “If we don’t learn to live together as brothers, we will perish together as fools.” That is what we learned when we were growing up. It would serve us well now.

Peace

It sounds so simple.  Living a peaceful life makes sense. Eliminating conflict, stress, and turmoil seems like what all of us would want. Doesn't it?  In an increasingly complex world we can't helpl but see people and countries make choices that seem to devalue the peaceful path in navigating relationships by not considering the needs of others or by withdrawal from the potential for loss. 

Some individuals seem to seize any opportunity to advance self interests over making peace. It is more important to see that personal needs get met before being concerned about the general welfare of others or opportunity for peace.  Ultimately, this approach leaves people vulnerable and alone, despite whatever spoils were gained in the process.

Othertimes, it is easy to see how people choose to close down and avoid any contact. After all, it is a frightening world at times. There are so many ways we can be harmed when we engage with others to facilitate a peaceful settlement.

Whether it is avoiding engagement to help others achieve a harmonious settlement, or withdrawing from any opportunity to look deeper into our own inner conflicts, we can understand the risks involved in reaching out or looking inward.  There is always a chance of making things worse or coming to face our own vulnerabilities.  

For us, seeking peace has come after a lifetime of watching and making choices, some of which have been unfulfilling.  We realize at this point that not taking the risk to bring people together holds the greatest loss.  We will always make mistakes, but moreover because we have tried, we can live with the outcome. 

Stepping out

For each one of us, we will find a time when we feel the need to confront or speak up about things we have not expressed. This may be an issue or a topic we had with a friend, a supervisor, a partner, a larger group or entity, or a conflict within ourselves.  We get to the point where we no longer ignore it.

It is an interesting process, because sometimes, having held onto an issue for a while, it intensifies when we want to express it.  We start talking or processing and realize we have deeper feelings than we thought.  These feelings may be positive or negative.  Still,  just scratching the surface of the feelings, releases something we didn’t know existed.

Holding on to complex emotions can have other repercussions as well. I have been known to lose sleep over unresolved conflicts or feelings. The issues can creep into our days and make our ability to concentrate more challenging.  Whatever the feelings/conflicts/issues are, they distress us until we can resolve them.

If we want to be able to help other people through these all-too-human struggles, we need to first be able to resolve our own.  We have the capacity.  It only takes a little courage and willingness to not be afraid of our own emotions, whatever they are.

We belong

Enjoying the beauty available during this time of year, it is hard not to recognize how everything is connected. We have so much to appreciate about the sun, the sky, the flowers, the animals, and the plants.  Sometimes, we do not see all of the connections.  It is easier to see the beauty of the outdoors, but not the beauty each person brings to us each day. Sometimes we even go further. We characterize someone as "the other" or "the enemy." It is then we forget that we are the same, a part of a larger natural order.  

Mother Teresa once said that "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." 

Enjoying nature is incredible and important all year long. Bringing peace means we also must remember that we can find the beauty in each other as well.

Ubuntu

In the Zulu culture, "Ubuntu" roughly means that a person is a person because of other people, "I am because we are." From the rich, African philosophy we can learn the value of community. 

A class I was teaching this semester, the Psychology of Mediation, found this word to have special meaning today. The students learned that it is through our appreciation of our  interdependence, we can be better people and create a better world. Archbishop Desmond Tutu said that we are inextricably connected. What one of us does, impacts us all. 

“Africans have a thing called ubuntu. It is about the essence of being human, it is part of the gift that Africa will give the world. It embraces hospitality, caring about others, being willing to go the extra mile for the sake of another. We believe that a person is a person through other persons, that my humanity is caught up, bound up, inextricably, with yours. When I dehumanize you, I inexorably dehumanize myself. The solitary human being is a contradiction in terms. Therefore you seek to work for the common good because your humanity comes into its own in community, in belonging.” — Archbishop Desmond Tutu

Watching the students, from a variety of backgrounds, look at the concept of "Ubuntu" confirmed my confidence in our shared future.  These young future leaders understood the responsibility of being global citizens and the importance of respecting each other. I was humbled and proud of them.

It is important for any of us hoping for peace to learn the responsibility we have not just for ourselves and our own actions, but for each other.

Roadbloacks

We all encounter them. We think we are going along fine, and something comes up to stop us, to cause us to turn around, to find another direction. With physical roadblocks, we know the road will be repaired, the tree cleared, the problem moved out of the way.  It is even more disconcerting when the roadblock is with people.  Maybe it is another person's making, or maybe, if we really look closely, something we helped to create.

Unfortunately, it happens more often than we want.  We have to reconsider what happened to create it and then begin the process of deciding if it is something to be overcome or a new direction needs to be developed. Most often, we need to work through what occurred or we risk encountering a similar roadblock. 

Stephen Covey indicacates that in any conflict we need to "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  There is wisdom in helping to understand the issue before we express our concern over the roadblock.  Once we can hear the other perspective, we are most likely to be able to respect the conflict from another perspective. It might not even be important to express our full frustration and self-interest. 

We don't have to fume or fret or rehearse how we will tell someone what bothers us. We could take time to hear the other perspective. Sometimes, roadblocks can offer us ways to better understand each other and ourselves. Roadblocks ultimately might be an opportunity for a better relationship, if we are only open to it.

Persistence

"Energy and persistence conquer all things." This quote from Benjamin Franklin captures key attributes of successful conflict resolution. It takes energy from all of the parties around the table to move from disagreement to peace. However, it is persistence which really separates a successful peacemaker from an average practitioner. Staying with the dispute requires energy and mindfulness on the part of the mediator and to remain in the moment demands patience and persistence. Often it appears that the parties are at an impasse, but an optimistic and persistent practitioner can gently move the parties past impasse.  A very well respected mediator here in Georgia gave a presentation at a recent training entitled "The Fallacy of Impasse." It was proposed that the persistent and patient mediator can move the parties past any impasse. We as peacemakers need to subscribe to that philosophy when the going gets tough in our work.

When we think of the great accomplishments of any group of people in nearly any human endeavor, those results were the result of persistence. We should not expect anything less from the efforts to achieve peace between disputants. In a world that demands instant results and gratification, we can be an example of patient, persistent energy.  By staying with those in conflict, we can help others also believe there is hope for the relationships in the room.

Point of View

Albert Einstein once said “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Habitual thought and communication patterns are often at the root of many disputes.  We as peacemakers need to help people see the way we can get stuck in one point of view. All of us are guilty of jumping to the conclusion that we know exactly what people are going to say when they begin to speak. As a result, we tune out and do not really listen to what people are saying. Usually, we are busy forming our own response to what we believe will be said and the cycle continues....

In mediation and other peace work, it is often necessary to encourage the people in conflict to try out a different viewpoint. Sometimes it means seeing the conflict from the perspective of the other person, by "stepping into their shoes." It may involve looking at potential outcomes, should the conflict continue.  What is the best alternative or the worst outcome of the conflict? By looking at these options, it may move the individuals out of their habitual patterns. It may even help them move to a place where problems can be resolved. It can also allow people to be respected and valued.  A different point of view means taking a step back to see the bigger picture.  

Welcome!

We welcome you to our posts and to our blog!  Our goal is to write about concepts that are central to individuals who hope to resolve conflicts.  These are core elements that help each of us to be better humans, but are critical for mediators and peacemakers. They are also essential to everyone  who is seeking to have better relationships, to help people work together better, and to be more at self aware.  These skills are useful in business, in education, in law, in government, and in our communities.  

We are on this journey together.  We have worked nationally and internationally with individuals wanting to be more effective at resolving conflict.  We realize that the first part of this endeavor starts with ourselves.  We look forward to sharing these thoughts with you as we travel together toward finding a more peaceful way of being with each other. 

Mary Lou and Ken Frank

Silence

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On a recent moonless night, I stepped outside into a world of silence. Snowfall and cold temperatures caused people to stay inside, and the only sound was a faint rattling of the few remaining dry leaves in the overhanging branches. The quiet was serene and noticeable. So few times in our modern lives are we immersed in quiet and have the opportunity for our minds to focus. Despite the cold, I lingered, relishing the silence. Opportunities to connect with our true selves are enhanced in such moments of silence

Lao Tzu reminds us that “silence is a source of great strength.” In our work as mediators and trainers, one of the lessons we need to remember is that silence is a valuable tool. Often, if just afforded the space, one of the participants will say just what is needed to move the process forward. The wisdom is in the room and it is not solely the property of the mediator or trainer. It is easy to fill the void and, often the expectation is that the “expert” should "keep it moving." However, filling the void in that way might discourage a participant from suggesting the very idea that allows for transformation in the relationship or a resolution of a conflict. Sometimes, the answer is in the silence.

Facing our issues

We live in a world that provides endless ways of being distracted.  We can circumvent direct communication through using texts, photos, and messages. We can prevent connecting by being consumed by our electronic devices. We can keep ourselves busy by immersing ourselves in social media. It is easy to escape being known and easier to avoid knowing ourselves.

A background in psychology led to a deeper respect for self awareness.  It was probably the years of training, supervision, as well as therapy that helped me to understand the importance of making peace with myself.  However, for me at least, it has been a journey, not a destination.  It is a continual journey of looking at issues that were only partially resolved. Each realization leads to greater humility, acceptance, and peace. 

It is from this perspective, that we see the importance of self-knowledge in the mediation process. Being aware of "self" allows us  to see how our issues are impacting other people. It also helps us in developing compassion.  By learning to forgive ourselves, we can easier forgive other people. But, it means being willing to avoid the distractions and being willing to take time to look at our fallibilities. 

Freedom or Safety?

If we had to choose, what would we prefer, freedom or safety?  It is a difficult choice. Most of us want both. However, our answer might depend on our experiences and our history. If we have had to fight for our rights, freedom is most dear. Safety might be more important if we have experienced injury or alternatively, enjoyed many privileges.  In either case, freedom might be less important than being safe.  

A noted psychologist, Abraham Maslow indicated that safety is critical before we can develop into more self-actualized beings.  However, he may not have understood the world view of individuals who have been enslaved, either physically or figuratively.  Freedom is so important for refugees, that many compromise safety for liberty and independence.  It is also possible that individuals want to protect what they have and will sacrifice core  freedoms such as freedom of  speech, freedom of the  press, freedom to assemble, freedom of religious thought, or freedom to petition the government when aggrieved.   

It creates an interesting challenge for individuals who are in conflict. Sometimes, the distance between people seems insurmountable.  For progress to be made, it is critical for us to understand the context of our perceptions.  With that knowledge, we can begin to build respect for differences.  We can also help people come together to resolve conflict and find peace.  However, often it takes time, willingness to listen, and courage to face our fears of what could be lost.  

Where do "our" people come from?

Recently, my granddaughter asked me the question listed above and I had to pause before answering.  She wanted to know about her heritage and place in this world.  At some level, we all want to know where we come from and where we belong.

My response was different today than it would have been even six months earlier. Having received a gift of one of the genetic testing services, I know things my parents never told me.  The report offered information, that they too may not have known. 

Growing up, I had heard that my family was from England, Ireland, Scotland, and Germany. There was some thought that there might be Native American ancestry also, but it wasn't ever definite. 

When it came back that our ancestors were from England, Ireland, Scotland, and Germany I wasn't surprised.  However, I could tell my granddaughter that we also had ancestors from Greece, Scandinavia, Spain, Italy, Africa, Malaysia, and India. We come from all over the globe.  Any one of these places could be our home.

Interesting.  Hopefully, all future generations know that "our people" include a wide spectrum of the individuals inhabiting this planet. We are more alike than different and have the potential to connect and work together as family, if given the opportunity.  

Let Go

Holding on to a past hurt is common. Most of us have done it at least once.  We get our feelings hurt or feel we have been shamed or wronged.  We then hold onto that hurt and the anger at whomever we feel was responsible.  We may also go so far as to treat the other person (or persons) with disdain for as long as we can stand it.  It could be for a long time.  It could also vary from being an irritation to full rage that we embrace whenever we think of the pain. 

Mark Twain indicated that "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." The notion is that we are the ones who continue to be harmed because we hold onto anger and hurt.  We let the past take the place of the potential joy we could have in our lives.  I have known people who lived their lives looking for ways to hurt another person as much as they felt they were injured.  What if the offending person's deeds and motives were misunderstood? All of that time and energy are lost in creating even more pain and suffering.

Whole nations and cultures have allowed hatred to fester and grow, sometimes for generations.  The offense has been long forgotten, but the anger toward that offending group persists.  It takes a lot of energy to maintain that amount of anger and resentment.  Holding onto the past hurt also allows the "acid" to harm our own lives.

Probably one of the most difficult things to do is to release the resentment toward someone who we feel has injured us.  It almost feels like we suffered for naught if we let go of the anger.  However, if we don't release the "acid," we get mired in resentment that will continue to diminish our own lives. The most courageous step we can make is to let go and move on. 

Allow

A friend recently shared that when she was shopping  in Italy she encountered a distracted person in line ahead of her. The individual seemed oblivious that my friend had two items compared to the full cart she was trying to empty. It made sense to allow my friend to go ahead and eventually that happened. Despite the language barrier and potential cultural differences, it was communicated that my friend should go first. It was a small but important moment of courtesy.

When I encountered a similar experience here in the states and the person ahead of me didn't make that same offer, I started wondering what might be going on in the life of this person. Was there a deadline she had to meet? Had this been a difficult day for her? Was she not aware of those around her?

Whatever the issue, I stopped conjecturing and just allowed the person to be however she needed to be. No judgment. It also gave me the time to respect the importance for all of us to just be ourselves in the moment.

We don’t know the troubles others carry. We may only occasionally pay homage to the burdens we ourselves bear. Awareness can help us to avoid judging others and allow others space and respect. It is a message we can also give to ourselves.

Connect

One of the more interesting byproducts of the cell phone age is what we see almost daily. Two students are walking together on campus, but neither is talking to the other. Each is focused downward—staring intently into a cell phone. Neither is looking up to greet other students passing on the sidewalk and they only make  occasional glances away from their devices to see that they will not stumble off curbs or run into signposts. They are focused on their devices, texting, reading social media, responding to someone miles away or within sight.  They might be texting each other, but never look up or talk.  They are friends, and we see them participate in activities together outside of class. However, instead of discussing the previous class, future classes or whatever might be important to them, they are laser focused on their devices.

Both lack awareness about the world outside of the internet. We ask them if they noticed the weather, the new sign a sorority put on the lawn outside its house, or if they had seen the squirrels gathering pecans from trees on campus. They have not. Sometimes prying them away from their devices during class is even a challenge. The lack of mindfulness on anything other than their devices means that meals are eaten without tasting, crisp fall air embraces them without them feeling it, and birds in the trees are singing without being heard.

We miss the chatter of students as they walk between buildings. We miss the exchange of shared laughter and even raised voices when students challenge other ideas.  We are losing that human contact so essential to conflict resolution. The skill of learning how to “be with” someone is different than the ability to stare at the cell phone. There is a lack of real connection that is only experienced as a silent connection with technology.

As individuals resolving conflicts, we need to approach our craft mindfully, free of the distractions that our devices bring to this most human of interactions. If you are reading this entry as part of your social media consumption, put down the computer or the cell phone and find something in nature or look around for another human being with whom to relate. Connect mindfully, free of distraction. It can even reinvigorate your spirit!

Align

Moving as quickly as we do from one event and group to another, it makes sense that these transitions may not always go smoothly.  In music, we talk about being in “tune.” In groups, we may call it being “in sync” with the current trends.  In getting “back” to nature, some people say they have to “chill” to separate from our hectic lives.  I have even heard some people saying that we need to get on the same “frequency.”  Whatever the words, it is a basic coming together at a level that allows for us to relate.

In my training as a therapist, I remember being told the value of “pacing.” It was a process of coming into the session in a way that I could meet the clients where they were.  If I wasn’t able to connect right away, I could listen carefully and in so doing, show respect. By hearing and respecting them, I could meet them at that level so we could establish a relationship and work together.  Without the connection, progress was not possible.

In approaching a situation filled with conflict, alignment is critical.  If we are able to establish a space where people feel a connection is possible, issues are more likely to be resolved. Aligning attitudes, needs, and hopes brings people together so they can reconcile their differences. 

Slow Down

In the heat of conflict, probably one of the most difficult things to do is to take a step back and gain perspective.  

It isn't easy.  We can all recall what happens to us. Our hearts are pounding. We have so much we want to say in response to the other person. We are hurt, angry, and frustrated. With all of the emotion swirling around us, stepping back is the last thing we want to do.

It is true for all of us. Despite years of experience, training, and knowledge, it is easy for me to get drawn into the emotional turmoil that happens when engaged in a conflict.

Still, stepping back, slowing down and breathing is the most important step we can take  Just taking a breath, focusing on the process of taking in fresh air and exhaling the air that has given us what we need, is enough to reset our system.  It slows down the emotional, cognitive, and physical process.  It also allows us space to make a decision as how we wish to proceed.  

It only takes a few seconds. However, in that time, many of us can make a clearer decision devoid of the emotional rush.  We get a brief break.  The respite allows us a moment of silence where we can personally deescalate the conflict as we have slowed down the emotional reaction we are having.  

It is only a breath, but in that space, we can begin to make peace.

Presence

Sometimes our busy lives keep us from connecting.

It is easier to rush around completing all "we have to do" than it is to take time to actually "be" with the individuals that are placed in our lives. I recall as young mother trying to balance family and work and school.  Balance is the wrong word, juggle is closer.  Still, none of the elements being juggled got my full attention.

However, in the midst of all of the busy-ness, I made time to be with my daughters.  I listened beyond their words to their hearts. I learned who they were and who they would be. They also got a chance to know me, with all my insecurities.  Being open to connect, to attune to another person implies vulnerability to being known.  However, it was those moments that I treasure.  It was there a true connection was developed and forged.

To be fully present allows us to attune ourselves to another person, without judgment.  This ability to be open can transform relationships, if we only have the courage to take time and risk being known.

A Way Out of the Room

Sometimes we need someone to help us out of the room.

When I was not even twelve, I recall storming into my bedroom and slamming the door. I was angry with something my father said.  At this point, it seems insignificant. Since doors were not slammed in my family, I realized quickly that I was in trouble. How was I ever going to get out of the room?

Several minutes passed and I was relieved that my mother knocked on my door, came in and gave me a way out. She helped me "save face" and leave the room. I could then "make peace" with my father and make amends for the outburst. 

Many of our conflicts today involve helping one or both sides find a way out of the "room" of their own making. Each of us just needs to remember what it was like for us, and not be afraid to help each other out.