There is something so compelling in seeing a genuine piece of art, hearing artists play their own music, being a part of a community, visiting an historic location, or watching a sunset – in real time! We also feel that same sense of appreciation when we know someone is being honest with us. When an individual cares enough to be vulnerable and open, we know it is a relationship of value. That kind of honesty captures us and brings us closer. We appreciate being respected.
The corollary is also true. Most of us don’t feel good when we know we are being manipulated. It destroys our trust, our faith in the other person. We can generally tell when people are being honest with us. What is most unsettling, is when we don’t know if someone is being honest or not. When we have encountered deception, we can become jaded and find it more difficult to trust.
In law, therapy, and mediation sometimes people think manipulation can get people to do what they want. I have known attorneys who felt certain strategies could “trick” the jury, the judge, or even their clients. Likewise, there have been therapists who have felt giving clients homework to do one thing, when they knew they would do something else was clever. Recently, I heard mediators talk about how mimicking the listening skills could make people believe the mediator really cared about them (even when they didn’t) and it facilitated a quicker agreement. In all cases, something core to the integrity of the helping relationship is lost when we are not being genuine. It erodes each of the professions, but more importantly, it erodes trust in who we are and in what we do. Trust, once lost, cannot easily be regained.