When we as mediators enter the mediation room, we bring our personalities, our preferences, and our motivations with us. The more we are aware of ourselves, the more we know exactly what these mean for the mediation and how they will impact the process. Many times, when we move into the “next” mediation on “autopilot,” we may forget and that lack of awareness will be a part of the conflict.
We became mediators for several reasons. Whatever the initial motivation, we may find ourselves with a schedule full of meetings, trainings, and mediations. The motivations to work through the conflicts are manifest in how we approach the mediations themselves.
Some mediators we have known post in their emails the number of successful mediations they have accomplished. They also include all the awards they have been given reflecting how good they are at brokering settlements. While these accolades are admirable, for them, they see mediation as a “win” or “lose” experience. If they get a settlement, they can chalk up another “win.” If they can’t, it breaks their streak and it is a loss. Mediation becomes a contest and ability to prove their prowess. This is no different than what these individuals felt in the courtroom. They advocated for their client and either “won” or “lost” depending on their abilities in trial or in their negotiation skills with the other side.
After years of practicing meditation, we have noticed another type of personality and motivation. Other mediators never tout their “wins,” but rather humbly indicate they have helped people work together and maneuver their conflicts. They see the process as a journey and are not pressured by schedules or other external issues. Instead of a competition, they create a safe space where people can process the emotions embedded in the conflict. Their goals are wisdom, understanding, and healing. If there is a “win” it is brokered by the parties and the mediator doesn’t take the credit.
Despite how difficult it may be to carve out time to give a mediation the time needed to create a more collaborative process, it is possible. The trap of schedules, financial pressures, and ego-driven needs can each be mitigated. But it requires an active choice and insight into looking deeper in ourselves to recognize our deeper values. Taking time to allow the parties to work through an issue, means the mediation won’t be controlled. The process will be filled with detours through topics that weren’t on the table. It will seem to be imperfect in that there isn’t a quick “win” or resolution. However, this approach will bring about a longer lasting resolution to the conflict and the parties will be more satisfied with the process.
We need to realize our motivations take mediations in different directions. In previous blogs, we have discussed the research that shows what clients and individuals in mediation prefer. It is our motivations that will cause us to listen to the people in mediation. Alternatively, we can continue to make mediation another adversarial process within ourselves, shaping a process that results in a self-made contest to feed our egos.
It is important to remember that mediation is a journey of discovery, healing, and understanding. For some, it will remain an ego-driven experience to register another “win.” As always, the choice is ours.