Compassion and other-directed empathy have long been keys to enabling mediators to connect and bridge relationships between people in conflict. It has been believed that to be more compassionate in conflict, we just needed to listen deeper, be more sensitive, and focus attention on the pain of the other person. In training and in practice, I have also been one of those advancing this approach in mediation. The model was supported by most mediation training programs and was encouraged so that mediators could better connect and know the other person, to better comprehend their position, and to understand their pain. At a most basic level, the goal for most of us was that by better understanding their unique position, we would promote deeper respect. By focusing on the experiences of the individuals in conflict, not only could the mediator but also the participants could understand each other better and then develop compassion for each other’s position. In many situations, it seemed to provide a reasonable way to facilitate connection and bridge understanding.
Current research has shown that may not always be the case. To develop empathy, Abramson (2021) indicated that mediators needed to be willing to grow, expose themselves to differences, develop behaviors like making eye contact, learn to identify common ground, be better at asking questions, understand their blocks to empathy, and question their assumptions and automatic reactions (p. 48-52). Only by developing that insight, could empathy hold the potential to decrease bias, increase helping behaviors, improve relationships, and facilitate healing in mediation. A compassionate approach to mediation could be developed in anyone who was open to learning about themselves.
The change in focus from the other person to concentrating on ourselves is significant. To be more compassionate or empathic, we need to be more open, willing to connect, and more aware. The key is in us not in them. The struggle is that it is easier to look at the other person who is in pain and exposed than it is to work on ourselves and examine our own vulnerabilities.
From my training as a psychologist, I learned that I needed to better understand myself in order that I might be able to understand other people. Along with training to be a scientist, for me to become a clinician, I had to look at my own issues personally and in relationships. It took training to learn how to ask questions, what questions to ask, how to be present, my own biases and weaknesses, and ways to be most effective in responding or in reflecting. Learning to help others was ultimately a journey of self-awareness.
To be an effective mediator, Abramson (2021) indicated it would seem to be a similar journey. Focusing on our own process, allows us to be more compassionate and better able to navigate conflict and bring people together. It is not just learning what it is like to walk in another person’s shoes. It is important to first learn how we walk in our own shoes. Only then we can better bring our best selves to a mediation process and be effective at helping to heal a conflict.
Abramson, A. (2021, November/December). Cultivating empathy. Monitor on Psychology, 52(8), 44-52.