Unfortunately, hate is a common thread throughout all our experiences in the world today. It fills the news, our world, our communities, and even our lives. Sometimes, we willingly participate in it. Even as mediators, it is easy to get caught up in everyday conflicts that move us to anger and hatred of the “other,” be it a person, a group, or an idea. Many times, we are not able to separate our hate of the position a person holds or a behavior they exhibit from our feelings about that person.
So, why do we hate? Abrams (2017) indicates that the research shows it is complex and can come from several areas. It may be a neurological response. Sapolsky (2017) found that hate arose from an automatic reaction in our amygdala to someone or something that is different and therefore may represent a threat (real or perceived). We see that “they” aren’t like “us” and may be dangerous. Proceeding any cognitive process, our automatic reaction to someone that is “different” is fear.
Abrams (2017) went on to indicate that hatred may come from fear of ourselves. Building on the Freudian concept of projection, what looked like hatred of another person was actually self-hatred. Further, Kowalchyk, Palmieri, Conte, & Wallisch (2021) have gone on to validate that individuals who appear to be full of themselves and narcissistic did not have a self-inflated view of themselves, but instead harbored deep personal insecurity. Although hate may be a reflection of hate for ourselves, it doesn’t diminish the impact it has on other people or groups. Animosity carries with it the threat of violence and escalation. However, the process driving hatred is more about “them” than about “us.”
Hate can further allow us to connect with other people who are also struggling with “helplessness, powerlessness, injustice, inadequacy and shame” (Golden, in Abrams 2017). Collective hate becomes a way people who are insecure to connect and allows for negative group behavior to be condoned by those most needing help. Culturally condoned biases and a history of violence toward marginalized groups become integrated into this mix. Hurting other people, becomes a vehicle to temporarily alleviate personal and collective pain. Because the core issues of insecurity and shame are not addressed, the pain never diminishes, and the hate continues.
Self-understanding and awareness are important if we are to move beyond hating ourselves, each other, and any group that may be different. Learning to be compassionate with ourselves is critical. For some, this is a lengthy process. Regardless of the time required, it may be important to finally heal the shame that has bound us to a life of insecurity and self-depreciation. Whether low self-esteem is a result of personal trauma or groups feeling they are mutually not “good enough,” it is important to heal these wounds to move beyond the destructive behaviors that hate can generate.
Stevens and Taber (2021) found that developing empathy for others could help in this process. By caring for other people, we might learn to care about ourselves. Abramson’s research (2021) added that to develop empathy we needed to be willing to grow, we needed to expose ourselves to different ideas and people, and be willing to connect. In so doing, we might find common ground and recognize our common humanity. However, the key is our willingness to be open to learn.
When we meet people filled with hate, we need to remember that it is a manifestation of their own issues, insecurities, and fears. It is challenging when that hate is directed toward us or institutions we respect. Still, by knowing that the hate is a really a reflection of their fear and self-doubt, it allows us to understand them better. Meeting their hate with more hate only feeds their fear and escalates it, despite the fact it is compelling to do so. It is important to remember that when we are secure in who we are and self-aware, our need will be to understand the other person, not to engage in hating.
Making peace with hate is complex. Abrams (2017) outlined some important elements in understanding hate. Other researchers have expanded on what is needed to help heal it. Still, the universality of the experience during these times, underscores the importance of a deeper commitment. Uniting to fight a common enemy after 9/11 helped the States come together for a short time (Hartig, H. & Doherty, C. 2021). However, the hate we are experiencing today is deeper and has only become more universal. Working through issues of personal and collective hate need to be unmasked. The real issue is fear. By recognizing our fears, we can develop a deeper understanding and compassion for others who are afraid. Seeing fear in others is a call for understanding and compassion. We need to be moved to realize hatred is not actually derived from the object, but a destructive process built on personal insecurity and low self-worth. Only by stepping back to understand the person and not engaging in the spiral of meeting hate with hate, can we ever begin to make peace with it.
Abrams, A. (2017). The psychology of hate: Why do we hate? Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/the-psychology-hate
Abramson, A. (Nov. 1, 2021). Cultivating empathy: Psychologists’ research offers insight into why it’s so important to practice the “right” kind of empathy, and how to grow these skills. Monitor on Psychology 52(8), 44-48. (CHECK)
Hartig, H. & Doherty, C> (September 2, 2021). Two decades later, the enduring legacy of 9/11. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2021/09/02/two-decades-later-the-enduring-legacy-of-9-11/
Kowalchyk, Palmieri, Conte, & Wallisch (2021), Narcissim through hthe lens of performative self-elevation, Personality and Individual Differences, v. 177, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2021.110780.
Sapolsky, R. (2017), Why your brain hates other people. Nautilus. https://nautil.us/why-your-brain-hates-other-people-236659/
Stevens, F. & Taber, K. (2021). The neuroscience of Empathy and compassion in pro-social behavior. Neuropsychologia, 159, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuropsychologia.2021.107925.