Over the past few years, following the essential urge of Dr. Brené Brown, the topic of vulnerability came into the public consciousness. It had been there all along. People who were “natural” leaders, compassionate therapists and healers, inspiring teachers, and “good” friends were already adept at vulnerability. They knew that pretending to be “perfect” was a ruse and it only served to separate us. By being open with our own faults and fallibilities, other people could relate to us because they know they too are imperfect.
The latest works by Dr. Brown show the value of having good boundaries when we are vulnerable. That was always my concern when I first heard of the encouragement to be vulnerable. Vulnerability without boundaries is painful for everyone. All of us have known someone who shared too much, cried too easily, and sometimes even used their being “vulnerable” to persuade. Vulnerability without boundaries also leaves the person without the protections necessary to survive emotionally.
In mediation, vulnerability can also, like most good things, be helpful when it is characterized by healthy boundaries. For a mediator, knowing when sharing a personal experience can be valuable. Knowing when to not take away from the process is equally important. It can bring the parties in conflict together and reflect the common flawed experience of being human. Being vulnerable can even give rise to understanding and forgiveness. However, sharing our own struggles for the sake of putting the focus back on us, only detracts from our goal of allowing the parties to own the mediation. It is the parties’ process after all and when we are at our best as mediators, we help facilitate them listening, understanding, and coming together.
The historic derivation of “vulnerable” is “capable of being wounded” or “having the power to wound.” Both of those meanings have relevance to mediation. Our openness to acknowledging we do not know everything is honest and vulnerable. In being open, we can be wounded, but we also become open to connection that being invulnerable does not permit. The second meaning, “having the power to wound” also has meaning to mediators. We have the power to cause harm if we do not have good boundaries in mediation. Interestingly, this duality is true for those in conflict as well. Showing our humanity with boundaries can allow us to connect even though we may be seen as imperfect. Likewise, sharing too much can not only leave us defenseless and without boundaries, it may also become something that can hurt ourselves or create a situation that is ripe for influence.
Like many of you, the longer I have mediated or even trained mediators, I realize that what makes for healthy relationships also makes for a healthy mediation environment. None of us know everything and not one of us has a 100% satisfaction rating as a mediator. All of us have made missteps, escalated a conflict, been unintentionally insensitive, and missed key issues that would have allowed a mediation to be resolved. We also have learned a lot about what does work, the value of transparency, how to help the parties own the process, how to see the gift in conflict, and how to own our mistakes. With that experience, we can also help parties be vulnerable in ways that enable connection, but do not harm themselves or the prohibit the process of healing.